Almost crazy.....

Well we are approaching the holidays.....oh my goodness.....it has been quite a year. A trial run at online dating and a few interesting relationships later. News Flash....online dating does not seem to be for me....even though I was able to venture into some really great restaurants and see some really cool places. I have also met some really great friends through dating...so it hasn't been a total loss. Not all the dates were bad, however, dating at 40 is a lot different than dating when you are a spring chicken. For now, I will stay at home, mind my business, and watch Frozen and Lego Ninjas while eating pizza and popcorn with my little men. I have learned a lot about myself and so much about others as I travel this journey of being a single Mom, Working Mom, and Doctoral student. My plate is over flowing, but I am starting to feel stronger even though the waves continue to rock my ship. I am so thankful for an awesome Bishop in my church that makes me feel worthwhile....he knows a lot about me and my struggles and still does not pass judgement and gives me encouragement to keep my chin up. I am so thankful for my friends, just the encouragement and positive energy I get from them. I feel inspired to be better everyday by the shining examples I have in my life......Without God, without good friends, and my kids I may have just gone crazy....luckily, I may just be on the verge of crazy...lol Love and hugs xoxo

The Big Picture

Well it's a Thursday night, the boys are in bed, and I am taking a mental break by blogging while I get pumped up to do my homework...if that is possible...lol. Sometimes I feel like sitting with a pizza, a chocolate bar with nuts in it, with a stack of chick flicks and staying up all night with a bun in my hair with my favorite baggy t-shirt on and my favorite blanket.....I might just try that sometime. The boys and I have been on many adventures and have explored the area. We still have lots to see.....and do! Next to the death of my baby girls, this year has been really tough....one of the toughest. I have grown a thick skin, a different outlook, and definitely, have learned to get to the point on many things that may waste my precious time. I think that is one of my biggest pet peeves...is when people waste my time with dishonesty, games, or passive aggressiveness. I have definitely learned a lot about myself. Being a single parent is 'no joke', and to do it right takes a lot of organization, multi-tasking and endurance. I have not completely perfected my system, but I am finding new ways to tweek it and adjust so I can be the best working parent that my kids deserve. I have accumulated a surrogate family through really good friends, and I am so thankful for them..... It has taken more than a few jobs to find my current one. I really love it and the people I work with. I am learning as usual, and making mistakes on the way, but I know it is something I can and want to do long term. I asked God for a break one night in my prayers, and then this job opportunity came my way and I was given a career. I am so thankful to God and the people that gave me a chance to do the job I am doing. Max got a 100% on his spelling test last week...this is more than awesome! Eli built a lego creation with "potions" and was very proud. My boys are my sunshine, my life, my everything....And that is exactly why I try so hard....God gave me these gems for a reason...he knew my love for my children would make me rise to the occasion, and I will.

Everything is different...

I have not blogged in some time.....Partly because life has changed so much, partly due to crazy schedules, and partly because it was hard to write. Jason and I have been divorced for a little over a year now....life has changed, for all of us. I never wanted to divorce, in fact, I fought like hell to keep it from happening, but sometimes life does not give us the happily ever after we are all hoping for. I have come to realize that there are so many elements involved in the happily ever after. Some of those elements are out of our control and others are in our control by the choices that we make. Sometimes we have to let go of what we thought was "supposed to be" and rewrite our lives the way we are guided to rewrite them. I am still figuring that out...... We were so excited to move to Sandpoint, so it was heartbreaking to leave.....but the job market in a that little city, was not happening. The boys and I moved to Nampa, Idaho where we live now. The boys are adjusting and so am I. I work as a Habilitative Interventionist at a developmental center and I am still working on my dissertation for my doctoral program. Jason moved back to Utah, and has found a good job as well. I felt compelled to write again....maybe because I am at a point where I feel as if I am crossing over a bridge and ready to start the healing process, maybe I need to vent, or maybe I just want to write again....I am not sure what actually has motivated me to start my blog again, but here I am....with all raw emotions into play. I have had several jobs since moving here, each time I start a new job it is an upgrade from the last.....It has been a learning experience as to what I DO NOT want to do as a career, and what I love doing. The boys are doing great. Eli has a great daycare/preschool with awesome teachers, and Max's school is amazing and I love the teachers and the school. The boys are doing well even though they miss their Dad often. Jason and I are still working out kinks on when the kids can visit and schedules. I am excited to be back....and whatever our happily ever after will be. One thing I know for sure, I love my boys, and I will always do my best for them.

Max created a cartoon of Mom